May 1, 2007
This post is written as part of the “Blogging against disablism day“. I’ve struggled with making this post for the last week. I’ve known today, May 1st, that i had to write this post, and i knew what i wanted to write. I even sat down to write it last night but it just wouldn’t… come. it wouldn’t.. pour out onto the keyboard, what i wrote, felt wrong, felt hateful, angry… i needed to face it down and think on it some more. I’m still not sure i’m ready to post this, but the day ends in half an hour, and if i don’t get it posted.. life will get in the way and the opportunity to face some of my past, my feelings, will be gone. So post i will. What i have to write may upset some people, but i would say that these are my experiences. If you feel offended by what i’ve said.. just hit the X, and don’t let the door slam behind you on the way out.
Among the more unpleasant varieties of prejudice one may face has to be the kind you face from your own kind. Be it racism, sexism, disabilism, any other ism (i feel like the BT advert: “oooh you got an ology!”)… facing discrimination from those who are similar to you.. but different, and on the basis of the similarity.
Whether its a black person hounded by other black people because he’s got a black/white girlfriend/mother/father… the woman bullied by a female boss because she has to take a large amount of time off work because of crippling period pains.. the christian who has to listen to jibes from other christians because they don’t believe in creationism.. it stinks.
Sadly, I’ve faced it throughout much of my interaction with other Deaf people.
I need to explain here, the difference between the Deaf and deaf labels. Deaf is culturally deaf - a sign language user. They mix with other Deaf people at Deaf clubs, laugh at Deaf jokes, make Deaf TV the must-watch of the week. Its a small community - 3,000 or so, across the UK, everyone knows everyone else. Everyone knows the embarrassing mistake you made at the age of 12.. its like family you can never get away from. The vast majority of the Deaf are born that way, or become so shortly after birth. They often learn sign language, if not from their families, from other children at school.
deaf is disabled. Those who speak. Often those who grew up hearing, immersed in a hearing world, and became deaf when they were older. Often those who have a milder hearing loss compared to others. your grandpa will be deaf. Mrs Smith down the street who waves her arms in that funny way will be Deaf. its a common way to self identify in the Deaf community.
The Deaf tend to dislike those who are Oral. By that i mean those who’ve become deaf at a relatively young age (i.e. as a child/baby, what’s termed pre-lingually deaf), and yet who speak verbally reasonably well. Even if they learn sign language and use it well, the dislike, the prejudice is still there. I think its because many of those who were prelingually deaf and yet who learned to speak verbally, in times past have grown up to treat those who could not speak verbally as being somewhat inferior - and encouraged those hearing people who had to deal with the deaf in an official capacity to treat them in a similar way. And i faced that dislike from many many Deaf people within the Deaf community - so much that it eventually drove me out.
I’ve faced this kind of discrimination at school where other children bullied me because i speak so well, and because i didn’t (initially) know sign language. I endured seven years of that, trapped at a boarding school where the staff didn’t care, (and told me it was my fault) and i wasn’t able to tell my parents because i didn’t want to upset them. I learned to deal with it eventually, i had to, in order to survive.
I’ve faced it within Deaf clubs…. from being told to “get out” of a Deaf club because i came from “that” school and i was oral and i put other deaf people down (which i hadn’t and didn’t) to being told “what are you doing here, you’re hearing!” (in really dedregatory tones) at a Deaf party when someone saw me speaking to the hearing barman… to being told that I should stop being “superior” when i tried to help someone by interpreting when there was no official interpreter available…
it drove me from the Deaf clubs, from Deaf culture, from Deaf society. I don’t want anything to do with them. from what i’ve seen.. they’re insular, intolerant, judgemental. That may sound like i’m being intolerant and judgemental.. and maybe i am, but all i can say is that that’s been my experience of them.. and i don’t particularly want to try again.
I accepted a while ago that me and the Deaf world were not meant to mix. and that’s okay, it really is. I don’t identify as being Deaf. I identify as being deaf… i’m disabled. I’m not part of a linguistic minority. i understand my background, i understand where i’ve come from, and i understand where i want to go. And its not within the Deaf world. I sometimes touch the Deaf world - like when i need the occasional interpreter (e.g a court appearance where i was a witness), or run into someone Deaf on the street who starts talking to me when they see my hearing aids. They may be nice enough individuals, and they invariably try to get me to go to Deaf clubs.. but i feel i have nothing in common with them other than my deafness. My deafness just isn’t a large enough part of my life to make me want to go there again.. to make me want to face those attitudes, that prejudice.
My world is the hearing world. My parents are hearing. Michiel is hearing. My children will - in all probability - be hearing. My best friend is hearing. 99% of my friends are hearing. About the only one (and yes, BEG, i do count you as a friend!) who isn’t is on the other side of the world and the medium in which we communicate.. is the same regardless of our disability. I know my place, i know my label…
.. and yet that rejection by the Deaf world still hurts. I sometimes see crowds of Deaf people in the street, signing away happily, oblivious to the stares of passers by. I envy their little closed world, where they’re accepted for who they are. I suppose i wish i’d been accepted too, although i think its too late now. I can’t go back, and change my past, change what made me what i am today.
Prejudice, discrimination, is awful no matter who is perpetrating it. But when its your “own kind”, the betrayal hurts twice as much. I feel for those who’ve experienced it. I’ve been there.
May 2, 2007 at 8:47 am
That really sucks.
India
May 2, 2007 at 10:47 am
This is such a thoughtful and moving post. Thanks so much for writing this. You have a real talent with words.
May 2, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Thank you, Attila the Mom.. btw i had a read of your blog (i was curious!) and was quite shocked to see what some people have said to you. More the drunken mother in law than the kids (after what i went through, nothing that kids do will shock me), you just don’t think that there are people still around with those kinds of attitudes. I’d have been hard put to restrain myself from thumping her, to be honest. I liked the way you ended it though, i think its a struggle that any parent of a disabled child probably has at some point, and you hit the nail on the head rather nicely.
keth
xx
May 2, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Thanks for this post - I know at least two people in particular it speaks for - including one friend who the university would not transcibe lectures for because she did not sign (they would hire an signing interpreter).
I used to be an ASL interpreter but was in California when things went very political between the Deaf, deaf and the hearing associated with hearing impared. The situation made me feel ugly.
I am sorry to hear of the hurt you have/continue to experience - have no solution - just hate that it sucks.
May 3, 2007 at 6:48 am
I wish I could say I was surprised by this.
But I’m afraid it just confirms everything I’d already heard about Deaf to deaf antagonism.
SUCH a waste of precious stamina…
May 3, 2007 at 7:44 am
elizabeth - I’m amazed to read what you wrote… i honestly thought that i was one of very few, if not the only one, to feel this way. I also - i suppose before i got to know BEG (who writes “what’s that you said?”
that the situation with regard to the Deaf vs the deaf was different. I’m sorry to learn it isn’t.
Lady B - i quite agree with you - about the waste of stamina.. i just wish, more than anything, i’d had the sense to get out of there earlier. ah well. some lessons you learn hard.
keth
xx
May 3, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Thank you for your post. I have never felt drawn to the Deaf community, it seems harder to break into than the hearing community.
May 4, 2007 at 1:56 am
I’m blind, and although it’s not exactly the same, I can identify with what you wrote. There is a lot of discrimination within the blindness arena, and probably in other disability-specific areas as well. Thanks for such an excellent post. I’m glad you didn’t wait to write it, you have an excellent way with words!
May 4, 2007 at 3:30 am
I worked in a Public Office and noticed how difficult it was to explain to deaf people rules and regulations, other than by using hand written notes. I decided to take a course in BSL to enable me to talk with Deaf people. I did the course in the evening, after working all day. I investigated various organisations to enable me to take exams, I paid for the course, matertials and exams. It was encouraged to attend Deaf Clubs and Gtoups to gain confidence and speed with BSL. I joined a weekly womens group and a fortnightly social group, where we had occaccsional Saturday daytrips. I found that Deaf people would not take the time to help me to learn to sign, nor in fact wanted anything to do with me. I felt “left out” during events yet I was expected to interpret for them when it suited them. I gave up learming after 3 years, tho I do have some CACDP qualifications.
I thought they just did not want me around because I was Hearing, but it seems not. They are only doing themselves harm in the end, wanting information and understanding, but not willing to meet those willing to help half way which will never work.
May 5, 2007 at 2:30 pm
[...] hurtful experiences of people who have found only rejection from Deaf people. Follow this link to http://kethry.wordpress.com/2007/05/01/prejudice-from-your-own-kind/ to read one example. You might also want to explore some of the other posts under the [...]
May 5, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I can feel your hurt through this post. I hope you’ll be able to find some deaf and hard of hearing friends who can see you for YOU, rather than the sum of your communication mode.
Thanks for sharing!
May 5, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Tokah - the Deaf community - as described above, i think, is harder to break into. They’re more enclosed, they don’t see themselves as disabled. I think many people who are disabled other than being deaf and yet who might, happily, identify as being Deaf, struggle to break into it too, which is a shame.
Nickie - you know, the concept of other disabled “communities” being the same never occured to me! i think perhaps because the Deaf community are isolated not just on the basis of their disability, but also on the basis of their language, so in many ways they have more in common with large groups of say, foreign immigrants. Most other disabled groups won’t have that language-based isolation, from what i understand. Anyway, thankyou for your kind words
Nerak - sadly, your experience isn’t an isolated one. I’ve heard similar complaints from many many hearing people who’ve tried to learn BSL - and from deaf oral people who’ve tried to learn too! Even those hearing people who’re learning in order to communicate with their Deaf loved ones struggle with it, i think its a disgrace. I agree, they are doing themselves harm in the end… the sad thing is that i can understand *why* they do it - its years of having hearing people telling them what to do (many deaf clubs were founded by otherwise well meaning christian pastors, who treated them like children, unable to make decisions for themselves, for example) that they want ONE environment where they’re in charge, where its their space.. unfortunately far too many carry it too far. *sighs*. I really think its going to come back to bite them on their collective bums at some point.
Karen - to be honest - and please don’t take this the wrong way - i’m not that interested in making deaf and hard of hearing friends. I’m interested in making friends, yes, with people i have stuff in common with *other* than my deafness - BEG (who writes “what’s that you said?”, there’s a link on the blog on the right) is an example, she’s hard of hearing, and although i started to read her initially because she’s deaf and she reached out to me after the last BADD, i found out subsequently that we have a lot in common outside the deafness - our shared love of computers, linux, gardening and many other things, and its those things that keep me reading. I want to be friends with people for *all* that they are, not their disability (or lack of) or mode of communication, as you said. I hope that’s clear, and i’ve not offended you - i wouldn’t want to do that for the world.
May 9, 2007 at 8:09 pm
[...] What got me thinking about this topic of Deaf rejecting deaf/ Prejudice From Your Own Kind/ and Audism , was me mate Liam @ Slakbarsted, and his latest post Audism. Through Liam, I came across this article, which then led me on to this article. [...]
May 14, 2007 at 8:34 pm
I’ve had a similar reaction from the Deaf community - ‘you don’t sign therefore you can’t be deaf’ - how narrow-minded and ignorant is that?! I can now sign but am still an ‘in-between’. I’ve joined a HoH group that meet up in London every month (http://tribalvillages.org/deaf/) who are more accepting of me than BSL users ever were, and some of us do sign within that group! I was at a hearing boarding school too, it was just too awful for words, so I felt for you there
May 18, 2007 at 9:14 am
Bloody Deaf community, they claim to be not disabled, they are lying to themselves, why then so many linguistic barriers?, its that not a barrier? It is not just because of ‘the failure of education’. In this WORLD, everything has disabled them to ‘function’ with information, communications and interaction with society at large. They say they are not disabled, they need a shotgun up their arse to wake up.
As well as at that those nasty Deafies, should grow up, as soon as governments around the world decide to cut their benefits, they will no doubt squeal. 80% of ‘Deaf’ live off governments payments.
Disabled like it or not, they got to own up to that fact. Its plain stupid not to, they are liken Ostrichs with heads in sand.
June 7, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I know what you are talking about. I am deaf. I am not Deaf,..though I understand and communicate with most Deaf that I meet,..I don’t sign Deaf. My signs are clumsy and my usage of idioms is not correct.
As to being a part of the Deaf community? I was married n a Deaf church,..but when I invited Deaf ladies to come to my bridal shower,..only the hoh women,..who signed the same way that I signed showed up!
June 21, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I don’t think it’s too late at all. It’s challenging when your lifestyle is a hearing lifestyle.
But I feel that if it truly means that much to you, then one would find a way to include the Deaf community in their lives.
I wish all the best for you, and I do hope you have the opportunity to become a part of the Deaf community. If you were in Indiana, I would have been more than happy to introduce you in the Deaf community and include you.
Best wishes,
Erick
July 29, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Mouse
yeah thats what I ment, i didnt remember the spelling but i did remember the meaning of the Mouse
October 8, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Join Your Friends At Yuwie
I really like what you have posted there. Thats was really somethig to read about. Cheers!!!
December 31, 2007 at 6:19 pm
[...] April, and I joined the “blogging against Disabilism” day with my entry on deafness and Prejudice from your own kind in May. We observed the commemoration of Rememberance Day in the Netherlands on 4th May, as we do [...]
May 1, 2008 at 12:51 pm
[...] a day that comes around on May 1st each year. My previous entry (from last year) can be found here, where i wrote about the prejudice one can suffer from those who ought to be sympathetic towards [...]
May 1, 2008 at 9:09 pm
I’m late-deafened and learning American Sign Language. Interesting post!! I agree with you about self-identity. While I’ve finally come to terms with my deafness, it doesn’t define who I am as a person.
I am most interested in hanging with people who share similar interests as well. The problem is I don’t fit into the hearing world any better than I fit into deaf world. I can’t attend non-captioned movies, plays that aren’t interpreted, or comfortably talk to people in restaurants. But I find most my hearing friends are willing to make accommodations for me.
Other than the few deaf/Deaf teachers I’ve met through taking ASL, I don’t see the Deaf reaching out to the late-deafened. You’d think they would be more supportive– but they just don’t.