i have no idea where to start with this. Yes. i haven’t blogged for ages. Yes, i am struggling. not knowing what to say is a good sign that i’m still struggling, being faced with a blank page is so hard sometimes – and no, i’m not talking about writer’s block. Getting started is the hardest part and sometimes – hell,  a lot of the time – this can seem an absolutely insurmountable step.

I’ve been struggling for sometime but until the last month or so i was trying not to let it get ontop of me. I got absolutely knocked for six by some personal news last February (and no, i can’t share it here), in fact, we  (Michiel and i) both did, and while at first i thought i was okay i think i was doing my usual reaction to bad news: disassociating from it, suppressing it, and just trying to deal with everything around it, including Michiel’s reaction to it, which was far healthier than mine, i think. At the same time i’ve been seeing the dentist, dealing with toothache, the removal of three teeth (not all at once) and being on painkillers long term (a combination of either paracetamol and ibuprofen or co-codamol and ibuprofen) hasn’t helped any either. I’m in the process now of weaning myself off those – but there’s still a way to go. The co-codamol, which i was having to take a lot of towards the end (i spent about 2-3 weeks taking 8 of these a day), can cause drowsiness and memory problems (at least, it does in me) and can also be addictive, and this almost certainly hasn’t been helping either. All this, coupled with a medical assessment by the DWP doctors for incapacity benefit (and the worry of if i didn’t get awarded it, what i was going to do) towards the end of June meant i was .. well.. not in a good state.

Basically i’ve been doing very little. I have managed to walk Jess almost every day, i think there’s only about 3 days where i didn’t do that. and i’ve done dinners most days too, but that’s about it. I watch a lot of TV. read a lot. spend a lot of time curled up on the couch, or on the net reading sites. i don’t do anything. i don’t achieve anything. I sleep a lot, but not well. lots of bad dreams. I can’t remember the last time i woke up feeling well rested. waking up is something i do grudgingly, getting up because i feel i have to. Eat a lot. comfort eating. junk food. how i’ve not put on weight i really don’t know.

The garden has pretty much gone to pot. The squash, cucumber and melon seedlings i sowed and so carefully nurtured died, a few others have died, and there are aubergine and pepper plants on the bedroom windowsill that desperately need potting up. The greenhouse remains empty. The cold frame  is full of either plants hanging onto their last life, or plants that have died. The tomatoes, the ones that i have planted out, have numerous side shoots and are at risk of breaking off altogether. the potatoes are ready to be dug up – we’ve had a few. the onion bed is completely overgrown with weeds. The chard and beet never came up. I only ever planted the one salad box, and didn’t thin the radishes so they’ve not grown very well. the courgettes got planted out, a couple have died. The others are very small, not very happy.

My knitting is gathering dust by the chair. The house is.. well, not a pigsty, cos Michiel does help me with that much housework. But its not as clean as it should be. There’s dust on the sewing machine box under the table, and the box with all my sewing stuff in it. I’m amazed we can see the TV screen for the dust on it. The closet of doom was full of stuff, and the hallway was full of stuff too. Michiel and i worked together enough on wednesday afternoon to get the closet sorted out, and the hallway, and cleaned under the bed (first time we’d done that since the bed was set up.. the dust was thick under there!).

I think part of all this is the problem.. its all so overwhelming. I’m getting to the stage now where i’m at least noticing that this is all wrong, feeling that i want to do something about it, but its all so much. I don’t know where to start! I pick up something, look around listlessly for somewhere to put it, and it just seems hopeless, because i see somewhere to put it and that somewhere has something there. its just too big for me to deal with at the moment. ditto the garden: i know there’s a plant in the cold frame that could do with going out, and the two pots by the door, the winter bedding plants that were there could do with being removed and i could so easily plant dwarf french beans in those pots to get a harvest from them. but it means moving the cyclamen (which i like and want to keep) and.. i don’t know where to put them. Bed 5 i suppose, but.. it also means getting the trowel from the greenhouse and opening a sack of compost and..

and i sound pathetic. I know i sound pathetic, and that doesn’t help any either. i want to give myself a kick up the bum, to tell myself to buck up and get over this because other people have it far worse and you don’t see them crying over what’s happened to them. I’ve a lot to be thankful for: a partner who loves me very much, a beautiful pet who also loves me very much, a roof over my head in what is, despite the problems, a really nice flat, we have food on the table – and there’s so many who don’t have that – without having to worry too much about where the next meal will come from. Our families are, for the most part, healthy. yanno, enough already. quit with the whinging!

and then i look around for something to do and it’s just.. too much. again.

its getting over that first step.

like with this blog. I sat looking at the white box where i type this for about 15 minutes, initially, before being able to write anything. and yet now.. i’ve written all this.

I don’t know if i’m gonna write anything more after this, i mean, i will at some point, i’m not giving up on the blog, but i’m also not “over” this. Depression is cyclical, and i think maybe now i’m past the worst. I usually am when i can put fingers to keyboard, at least on a more regular basis. but i’ve thought this before in the last couple of weeks and been knocked back down again so.. no promises. just.. see where it goes.