whining, whinging, moaning, groaning, basically blaming everyone else but me. To be sure, some things *are* other people’s fault, or not in my control, but i can still control how i respond to them can’t i?

Basically I sat down yesterday and did a great deal of thinking. A number of things have happened; the death of someone i knew – i wouldn’t call them a friend, as such, since i only met her a handful of times – but still, her death was shocking and unexpected, and not one i’d wish on anyone. Michiel and i had a bit of a fight; a number of things were said that also made me think. And i realised that at the end of the day this is it. We only get one shot at life, that the responsibility to make a good run at it lies with ourselves, not the government, not society, not our parents, not anyone else but ourselves. The buck, so to speak, stops here.

The situation with the kids has taken its toll – on us, on our relationship – to the point where neither of us have really cared about the house we live in beyond keeping it presentable. Its no longer a home; its just somewhere we sleep. There’s no love here. And that has to change. Although we’ve applied to move elsewhere, and in theory a letter could come through the door tomorrow, i found out yesterday that the waiting list in this area is 20 months – even assuming we’ve been on the list since last July, that’s another year of living here. Another year of looking out on a garden that is a work in progress, is messy and could do with a fair bit of work on it. Another year of looking at a bathroom that needs – at the very least – painting. Another year of looking at the torn wallpaper in the hall where we ripped it down before we moved in, intending to redecorate.. then never did, because we always knew we were “about to move”, or “what’s the point?”.

Here’s the point: it doesn’t cost that much to paint, its practise with the paintbrush (I’ve not painted since i was 14!) and both the process of doing it and looking at it afterwards will do much to raise both our spirits.

And the same applies to other things, like the garden.

So: the garden will be done this year. I may try to reduce the amount of money thrown at it, for example, but i have the necessary tools and seeds, for the most part, so there’s very little that needs spending on it. Just lots of hard work. And as Linda pointed out; even if a letter turns up and we end up moving half way through the season, some things at least, we’ll be able to take with us, in pots. (Just have to hope we get somewhere that has a garden).

And in a few months, when the weather is warm, i’m sat outside in a skirt and tshirt, sunning myself, munching on home grown tomatoes or something, I hope I’ll be able look back to these distant days of cold, hopeless winter as being the start of the journey back up.