Since i’ve started losing weight, i’ve been hesitant about getting rid of my old clothes, the ones that no longer fit me.

I guess i was scared – that if i took the step of getting rid of them, and then put weight back on, i’d have to buy all these clothes all over again. It just felt.. scary, too scary, to look at these clothes and admit that i’d never wear them again. Scary to admit that i’m changing, that i’m not the old, fat keth. its a bit like when i tried the black dress on, and felt surprisingly sad, when it was too big for me.

That changed, as of yesterday. I went through my wardrobe, and was ruthless. Gok would’ve been proud of me! i got rid of almost half my wardrobe, keeping only the things that fit me, things that i wanted to keep for sentimental reasons (like that black dress), or things i knew could be reused/reworked to make something that would fit me. Scary, still so very scary, and i so wanted to get things out of the bags and keep them, but i tried them on, and was finally forced to admit – even the things that were only marginally too big.. just looked plain awful.

I can see now that I’ve been dressing wrong for years. baggy shirts and jumpers, to try to cover up the flab. It doesn’t work – i just look like the side of a house. Still, i know better now.

But more importantly is the recognition of what this step means. It means i’ve accepted the new, thinner keth, in my mind. I’ve accepted that this is here to stay, that i’m never going to go back to the old, fat keth. I’ve still some to lose, but i’m thinking like a thinner person now, holding myself with pride, and liking the way i look. I looked at myself in the mirror on holiday a few times and didn’t recognise myself. I looked PRETTY. Beautiful, almost. most definitely a new keth.

and that was a huge step forward for me too. liking the way i look.. i’ve felt that very very few times before in my life. i like that feeling, and i want to keep it.

In other news.. I had the first of 5 Vitamin B12 injections today. it hurt, but not as badly as i had feared. another one in a couple of days. I weighed myself this morning. Major milestone! I broke through the 200 pound barrier! I’ve been hovering on it for so long, that it felt like i would never manage to break through it! I’m now 198 pounds – or 14 stone 2 – and the next barrier to break will be the 14 stone mark. But the big one i’m aiming for at the moment is to get my waist size down to less than 88 cm. If i can do that, then my fat cells stop producing a certain hormone which is what makes me insulin resistant.. and this will enable my body to cope with my diabetes *much* more easily. I’m hoping to have hit that 88cm mark by Christmas… fingers crossed, i can do it!!

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