I’m hitting another down cycle. I haven’t had one for a while: guess I was hoping I wouldn’t get another one (bit silly, but.. hey… I live in hope. Glass half full n all that). Guess it also isn’t entirely surprising, with everything that’s happened in the last month or so.
Unfortunately its also making it very very difficult to get college work done at a point where I really don’t need that difficulty. I’ve an essay hanging over me on the Egyptian Old Kingdom, which I need to get done ASAP. Another essay due in when I get back after half term at the end of February on Iron Age Britain, and probably two more shortly after, one on Middle Kingdom Egypt and another on Classical 5th Century Greece. I also need to keep ontop of what we’re studying now, as soon we’re going to be getting into the period where the assessment for some of these modules is exams, rather than essays. And, of course, there’s my Independent Research Project (the Disabled in Ancient Greece) which needs to be done by Easter, as well. So I’ve got to get my head down and plough through it all.
The difficulty i’m having is with concentrating – i find my thoughts drifting far too easily at the moment. I’m having to read, and re-read, and re-read a paragraph two or three times before it sinks in, because i’m reading without taking it in, if that makes any sense. That doesn’t have too much of an impact on reading – it just takes me longer is all. Where it really impacts on is in my essay writing. That’s the part I’m really struggling with at the moment.
But its also not going to get any easier. And frankly, if I want a career in academia, there are going to be other times where my mind is longing to be elsewhere but I have to knuckle down and just work through it. I keep telling myself: “Stop being so bloody precious, Liz, and just siddown and write!” but that is still seriously easier said than done.
I long.. i really long.. to just go to bed, pull the duvet over my head, shut out the world, and shut down. not to sleep, but to shut down, to not feel. to go comatose. in some ways, that would be so easy, such a blessing. And its the one thing I know I can’t do. I have to get through this.
End of.
~ Urbania to Stoneheads ~ 
February 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Still thinking of you, Kethry. The combination of low mood and poor concentration is maddening. Hope you feel stronger soon. Do be kind to yourself.
February 5, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Can you think about your work as your best friend?
This is an extract from an interview with the artist Maggi Hambling. I’ve seen various versions of her recounting of this, in books and articles, and it has always struck me as such a good way to be.
“I’d decided I wanted to try and be an artist, but my parents needed some kind of encouragement that it was a good idea. So I took my first two oil paintings, Suffolk landscapes, up to Cedric Morris and Lett Haines who lived on the outskirts of Hadleigh in Suffolk where I grew up. They ran the East Anglian School of Painting and Drawing. They said I should come along and paint in the holidays, and then my life changed completely.
I worked in the kitchen with Lett, drew and painted. It was in the kitchen that the most important things were said to me. Lett said ‘If you’re going to be an artist, you have to make your work your best friend. You can go to it, whatever you’re feeling. So if you’re tired, feeling happy, feeling miserable, feeling depressed, feeling randy, whatever you’re feeling, go to your work, as if it were your best friend.’ So I did that, I’ve done that. I took it to heart and I’ve lived my life in that way.”
Take care.
February 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Thanks Goldfish.. will try 🙂
Linda – i’ll try. what you’ve described i tend to do anyway because i love history so much. But this concentration problem affects everything, not just studying. i find myself drifting off even in the middle of a TV programme like NCIS (which i absolutely love to bits). Having said that, I’ve gotten the Old Kingdom Egypt essay done now (bar some last minute checks which I’ll do tomorrow night, final read through kinda thing) so that takes a little pressure off. thanks for the comment though. I’ll remember what you’ve said. 🙂