i have no idea where to start with this. Yes. i haven’t blogged for ages. Yes, i am struggling. not knowing what to say is a good sign that i’m still struggling, being faced with a blank page is so hard sometimes – and no, i’m not talking about writer’s block. Getting started is the hardest part and sometimes – hell, a lot of the time – this can seem an absolutely insurmountable step.
I’ve been struggling for sometime but until the last month or so i was trying not to let it get ontop of me. I got absolutely knocked for six by some personal news last February (and no, i can’t share it here), in fact, we (Michiel and i) both did, and while at first i thought i was okay i think i was doing my usual reaction to bad news: disassociating from it, suppressing it, and just trying to deal with everything around it, including Michiel’s reaction to it, which was far healthier than mine, i think. At the same time i’ve been seeing the dentist, dealing with toothache, the removal of three teeth (not all at once) and being on painkillers long term (a combination of either paracetamol and ibuprofen or co-codamol and ibuprofen) hasn’t helped any either. I’m in the process now of weaning myself off those – but there’s still a way to go. The co-codamol, which i was having to take a lot of towards the end (i spent about 2-3 weeks taking 8 of these a day), can cause drowsiness and memory problems (at least, it does in me) and can also be addictive, and this almost certainly hasn’t been helping either. All this, coupled with a medical assessment by the DWP doctors for incapacity benefit (and the worry of if i didn’t get awarded it, what i was going to do) towards the end of June meant i was .. well.. not in a good state.
Basically i’ve been doing very little. I have managed to walk Jess almost every day, i think there’s only about 3 days where i didn’t do that. and i’ve done dinners most days too, but that’s about it. I watch a lot of TV. read a lot. spend a lot of time curled up on the couch, or on the net reading sites. i don’t do anything. i don’t achieve anything. I sleep a lot, but not well. lots of bad dreams. I can’t remember the last time i woke up feeling well rested. waking up is something i do grudgingly, getting up because i feel i have to. Eat a lot. comfort eating. junk food. how i’ve not put on weight i really don’t know.
The garden has pretty much gone to pot. The squash, cucumber and melon seedlings i sowed and so carefully nurtured died, a few others have died, and there are aubergine and pepper plants on the bedroom windowsill that desperately need potting up. The greenhouse remains empty. The cold frame is full of either plants hanging onto their last life, or plants that have died. The tomatoes, the ones that i have planted out, have numerous side shoots and are at risk of breaking off altogether. the potatoes are ready to be dug up – we’ve had a few. the onion bed is completely overgrown with weeds. The chard and beet never came up. I only ever planted the one salad box, and didn’t thin the radishes so they’ve not grown very well. the courgettes got planted out, a couple have died. The others are very small, not very happy.
My knitting is gathering dust by the chair. The house is.. well, not a pigsty, cos Michiel does help me with that much housework. But its not as clean as it should be. There’s dust on the sewing machine box under the table, and the box with all my sewing stuff in it. I’m amazed we can see the TV screen for the dust on it. The closet of doom was full of stuff, and the hallway was full of stuff too. Michiel and i worked together enough on wednesday afternoon to get the closet sorted out, and the hallway, and cleaned under the bed (first time we’d done that since the bed was set up.. the dust was thick under there!).
I think part of all this is the problem.. its all so overwhelming. I’m getting to the stage now where i’m at least noticing that this is all wrong, feeling that i want to do something about it, but its all so much. I don’t know where to start! I pick up something, look around listlessly for somewhere to put it, and it just seems hopeless, because i see somewhere to put it and that somewhere has something there. its just too big for me to deal with at the moment. ditto the garden: i know there’s a plant in the cold frame that could do with going out, and the two pots by the door, the winter bedding plants that were there could do with being removed and i could so easily plant dwarf french beans in those pots to get a harvest from them. but it means moving the cyclamen (which i like and want to keep) and.. i don’t know where to put them. Bed 5 i suppose, but.. it also means getting the trowel from the greenhouse and opening a sack of compost and..
and i sound pathetic. I know i sound pathetic, and that doesn’t help any either. i want to give myself a kick up the bum, to tell myself to buck up and get over this because other people have it far worse and you don’t see them crying over what’s happened to them. I’ve a lot to be thankful for: a partner who loves me very much, a beautiful pet who also loves me very much, a roof over my head in what is, despite the problems, a really nice flat, we have food on the table – and there’s so many who don’t have that – without having to worry too much about where the next meal will come from. Our families are, for the most part, healthy. yanno, enough already. quit with the whinging!
and then i look around for something to do and it’s just.. too much. again.
its getting over that first step.
like with this blog. I sat looking at the white box where i type this for about 15 minutes, initially, before being able to write anything. and yet now.. i’ve written all this.
I don’t know if i’m gonna write anything more after this, i mean, i will at some point, i’m not giving up on the blog, but i’m also not “over” this. Depression is cyclical, and i think maybe now i’m past the worst. I usually am when i can put fingers to keyboard, at least on a more regular basis. but i’ve thought this before in the last couple of weeks and been knocked back down again so.. no promises. just.. see where it goes.
~ Urbania to Stoneheads ~ 
July 13, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Depression sucks. Don’t worry about the garden, it will still be there when you’re feeling better. Just take care of yourself, for now.
July 13, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I was very moved by this. I’m not an expert on depression or therapy, but I know only too well what it’s like to feel depressed and incapable of action. But you’ve achieved something already, you’ve managed to write this wonderful post.
For what it’s worth, here’s what I do. Use your senses to try to get back a sense of who you are and what makes life worth living. It’s very easy, especially when you’re on medication, to lose sight of this.
It doesn’t have to involve any great effort. Pet the dog and really savour the texture of his fur and the feel of his tongue on your hand. Crush a tomato (sideshoot! two jobs in one!) and smell that wonderful smell. Listen to a favourite song or piece of music. Find a park or garden near you and just sit and look. Treat yourself to a lovely piece of fruit, or a pastry. Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve it. You do, you’re recovering from something that is just as devastating as a physical illness.
I hope this helps.
July 13, 2008 at 5:31 pm
First of all: you do not sound pathetic. I also my empathy towards your struggle with teeth pain and the pain depression gives.
It is painful not to be able to do the things that once brought you joy and sink into a state of vegetative joylessness and having no energy to do even the basic things. It does however not help to beat yourself up for it – like your title says – you seem to suffer from a mild depression. I do suggest seeing your doctor and confront this depression headon – and yes take meds if needed. I wish you well and hope you will get through this rough time in your life.
July 13, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Hi. Sorry, I don’t usually have the time to read everyone’s posts from blotanical. Having dealt with depression for some time though I felt compelled to read your post.
It’s good that you recognize you’ve got a problem. That’s the first (and sometimes the hardest) step to take. I suffered from depression for a few years before I sought help. I would advise you to talk about your problems, deal with tasks one step at a time, make priorities but making yourself one of them is a major NEED.
I tried to battle through my funk on my own, but I just couldn’t do it. I finally asked my doctor to give me some meds. I needed help to get the situation dealt with and under control. Most days I feel SO much better about things once I’ve been on meds for a few months. I started them right before Christmas, between that and expressing myself to others it’s been very helpful. One of these days I may attempt to go it on my own again, but there’s so much stress in my life still I know I still need my crutches.
I hope that you are able to handle your depression in your own way and come out of it soon. It’s not a fun journey (or a short one), that’s for sure. Best wishes.
July 13, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Hi Kethry,
Depression is so draining but there are many of us out here that sadly know all to well what you are going through. I admire you for being able to blog about it.
You are doing lots about it in my opinion; when I had depression it was the routine of looking after my chickens that gave me structure to the day, you have been walking Jess. You are strong and not letting yourself become a victim but recovery takes time. My advice is baby steps. Don’t look at the garden as a large job to do but maybe focus on one thing like clearing the winter bedding if that’s by the door and bugs you every time you go in or out, even if you only move the pots out of sight.
Depression as the others have said is not something that just goes, I’m someone who tries not to take medication but after 6 weeks of complete rest making no difference what so ever to my depression I ‘gave in’ and took the Prozac. I hated it, it took away my control of my life but and it’s a very important but, it also broke the control of the depression.
I stopped the Prozac after about 9 months, had a couple of panic days but am really glad that I took it in the first place and stopped it too. The depression isn’t gone but it’s far more manageable with only a few down days at a time.
I know it’s hard to do but do focus on the positive, you are doing things and you have love around you, the rest isn’t really important. I know you spent a lot of time on the garden but your health is far more important. So blog when you want, not when you feel you have to. We will be here and wishing you well.
Love,
Deborah x
July 14, 2008 at 2:17 am
*hugs* and more *hugs*
I’ve heard from others its been quite warm over there this summer as well. I know from my own experiences here in the desert when it gets hot, you are more housebound, which breeds cabin fever to say the least. Depression on top of that well, that’s why I offer tons of *hugs* and more *hugs*
–Fuguee
July 14, 2008 at 7:29 am
((((hugs))) Be kind to yourself first. Remember you can only do one thing at a time, I know from personal experience (depression and cfs) what it is like to be faced with everything needing to be sorted out and not knowing where to start. Choose just one thing a day and reward yourself with a treat once that is sorted. In the beginning make it a very small thing.
July 14, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Depression is a very debilitating illness so it’s no surprise that you’ve not been doing the things you usually do and love.
Concentrate on yourself. The dust, the garden and everything else will still be there when you’re feeling stronger and more able to cope with them. Nobody will die because of these things so they’re really not important on the big scale of things. Your health, however, is.
Beating depression’s a slow march up a long hill but eventually you’ll get to the top, look out at the view and life will feel good again.
And from somebody who had to have ALL of her teeth removed (long story), I do sympathise with the tooth pain 🙂
xx
July 16, 2008 at 5:28 pm
The strong always pull through, so I am sure you will come out on top.
Best wishes…
July 21, 2008 at 9:06 am
Oh Sweetie, you poor thing. What I want to ‘share’ is this – as someone who has a long-term pain condition – the combination of co-codamol and ibuprofen gives you brain fog like no other!! I took them at full dose for about 8yrs or so before gut problems made me give up the ibuprofen. The brain fog started to clear! I ‘chose’ the more pain option! So perhaps this is not ‘you’ having this malaise, but the painkiller fogging you somewhat.
You are right when you say that the fact that you notice the state of things is a sign that you are getting better – this happens to me too. When my pain is really bad I don’t notice much, just withdraw into myself, but I have good days too, and have to stop myself spending/wasting my good time on clearing up and cleaning, and try to enjoy myself.
(If you want to read about dust, try the late Quentin Crisp’s The Naked Civil Servant (very cheap second-hand via Amazon or AbeBooks). He said that after the first year, the dust really doesn’t get much worse!!)
I’m a veg grower on a very small scale, I particularly love growing from seed and cuttings and am currently nurturing my first full year of greenhouse crops – eating and plum toms, cherry toms and cucumbers, and I have 5 approx 1x3m raised beds. I too started slowly, about 5yrs ago. I didn’t want to take on more than I could handle. Some days I can cope with it, some days it is as much as I can do to water the greenhouse plants. Hubby helps with anything heavy and mows our lawns and does the weeding of the shrub beds, but he’s only here at weekends. The rest of the time it’s just me, with my black cat Rupert (16yrs old, not very cuddly, currently being bullied by visiting cats).
WE DO WHAT WE CAN. It has taken me years to adjust to almost permanent pain, loss of career, inability to socialise, loss of identity, painkillers – unfortunately there are many of us out there. WE KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE.
Thanks to a new, much faster computer I have only just discovered this wonderful world of blogging, and found your site as a link from somewhere else, but I’m so glad I did.
KNOW THIS – you are not alone, good wishes are being sent, you will come out of the physical pain and you will come to terms with your personal blow. Nature can help – Monty Don is surely the king of depression-suffering gardeners – some of his articles (archived newspaper columns – Guardian??) are really good on this. Richard Mabey has written Nature Cure, Barney Bardsley’s book is a year of recovery after the loss of her husband following his slow illness. As you can probably guess, I spend a lot of time reading. One trick I have is to always have one or two really light (trashy) novels for the really bad days when I cannot concentrate on anything meaningful. It passes the time – and that is the key – time passes, good times and bad times. From the sound of things, you are already on the mend, so I won’t preach any more, but will go and pick some salad for my lunch and a few sweet-peas for the kitchen table.
Wishing you all the best.
Linda
July 23, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Emma – thanks for the card, and your good wishes.. I’m trying to take your advice (as you can see) and look after *me* instead 🙂
Victoria – thanks for the comment.. I think i’ve found a way forward out of this, and its close to what you’ve suggested, in the sense of giving myself something nice, and yes, feeling as though i *do* deserve it! i hope it works.. i’ll try your other tip though, about the senses, as well..
Niels – i think i already said that i’m reluctant to take meds, and why. Apparently the type of depression i think i have doesn’t respond well to the modern types of anti-depressants, nor does St. John’s Wort, so i just have to battle it out every time. but i will check back in with the doctor to make sure. Thanks for your good wishes though!
Cinj – thanks for the comment, and the understanding.. i hope you’re able to come off your meds soon, and stay off them (i.e. beat this thing), but you’re right, its not a short journey, and it is a series of ups and downs. I’m glad you’re on meds, at least, and that they’re working for you 🙂
Deborah – thanks for the long comment.. you’re right, baby steps is the way. I had a huge baby step yesterday – 3 hours wandering around town, getting the material and pattern, it was lovely while it lasted but last night i slept badly, and for a long time (9+ hours) with bad dreams, and today i feel really dopey, so i’ve overdone it, i think. so … smaller babysteps! thanks for the well wishes..
Fuguee – actually, no, its been very wet and cooler than normal, which certainly hasn’t helped (although its helped my garden stay alive – i can’t remember the last time i watered my plants outside..!). But yes, i’d certainly agree about being housebound/cabin fever..
Catz – thankyou, hon 🙂 trying to make it small steps, not sure i’m succeeding in that though..
SharonJ – you’re right. (and thankyou.) its unlikely someone would die because of the garden/dust… which is why i’ve decided to try to focus on me instead (although i am going to do the hoovering in a minute, to make me feel a bit better, and to enable me to spread my material out on the floor!). and … OMG.. *all* your teeth? *runs off, clutching her mouth at the mere thought*…
andarius: *blows a kiss and a hug*.. thankyou, my friend..
LindaJ – i will admit that since i stopped taking the ibuprofen/co-codamol combination the brain fog (a very apt term) has really lifted. I’m proud to say i’m free of painkillers now, although it took a very grumpy few days with some lovely headaches before i was free of them! its made a big difference, not having to count down the hours to when i can next take my pills, part of why i’m so reluctant to take anti-depressants.
Regarding dust – i too have heard Quentin Crisps comment about dust not getting any worse after a year. I’ve noticed this too – in places where i haven’t cleaned for a couple of years, like the top of the kitchen cupboards. But in our case, since we have a dog and a wooden floor… its not just dust but dog hair too, and things like leaves blow in from the garden, it just looks awful and i know it gets Michiel down too.
thanks for the good wishes, and the very long comment, Linda… it really did my heart good to read it all. Sometimes the feeling of no one else understanding is the worst thing about depression. I’ve read a few articles by Monty, and a couple of his books, i guess.. i dunno. sometimes it just doesn’t feel like i have depression (still fall into the trap that depression ought to be lack of sleep, lack of eating, etc.) and i feel like a fraud, you know?
regarding the sweetpeas.. If there’s one thing i really hate about this round of depression, its that it hit before i was able to get many of my seedlings out into the garden, including a whole bunch of sweetpea seedlings.. i adore sweetpeas, grew lots of them last summer and i was so looking forward to a house full of the scent of sweetpeas. ah well. There’s that oft repeated gardener’s refrain – there’s always next year!
thanks everyone, again..
keth
xx
October 26, 2008 at 10:15 pm
[…] – bookmarked by 6 members originally found by triall3 on 2008-10-05 ~ depression ~ https://kethry.wordpress.com/2008/07/13/depression/ – bookmarked by 6 members originally found by […]